Vayishlach - Take Your Time
The passuk in Vayishlach says: וְיַעֲקֹ֣ב שָׁמַ֗ע כִּ֤י טִמֵּא֙ אֶת־דִּינָ֣ה בִתּ֔וֹ וּבָנָ֛יו הָי֥וּ אֶת־מִקְנֵ֖הוּ בַּשָּׂדֶ֑ה וְהֶחֱרִ֥שׁ יַעֲקֹ֖ב עַד־בֹּאָֽם׃ And Yaakov heard that he had defiled Dina while his sons were in the field, and Yaakov was silent until they came. Yaakov didn’t rush to respond, but kept his counsel and waited. Even after the whole story was over Yaakov didn't rush to press his opinion on his children. It's true that he told Shimon and Levi a short rebuke "עֲכַרְתֶּ֣ם אֹתִי֒ לְהַבְאִישֵׁ֙נִי֙", but Shimon and Levi answered him back and they actually have the final word in this perek. Yaakov didn't respond to them. He bided his time and held his tongue until the very end of his life in Parshas Vayechi when he finally addressed their role in this story. Similarly when Reuvein moved Yaakov’s bed to his mother Leah’s tent, the passuk says "וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע יִשְׂרָאֵ֑͏ֽל", “and Yisrael heard”. Yaakov noticed what happened but he waited and didn’t respond immediately. Here too, he waited until Vayechi, his final blessing to Reuvein to rebuke him for this action. What can we learn from this? We, mothers, can be strongly tempted to address problems with our children right away. We want to rebuke chutzpah in the moment, to explain ourselves to an argumentative child or to defend ourselves from a confrontational child. While certainly, particularly with young children and little issues it is important to correct them promptly and give them feedback quickly, parents of older children with bigger challenges can learn from Yaakov Avinu here. If we criticize our children immediately, in the moment, their natural defensive feelings are sky high, and like Shimon and Levi, they will probably want to justify themselves instead of hearing our concerns. If they’re feeling angry or riled up, they won’t be in a receptive mode to internalize our view. We may feel momentarily better by getting it off our chest, but we won’t have reached our children’s hearts or been mechanech. When we wait to respond and take the time to let our emotions calm down and clarify our thoughts, we are doing more than speaking to deaf ears, we are waiting to speak in a time and manner that our child can hear us. That is high level parenting! Sometimes we may be concerned that if we don’t immediately tell our children what we think or condemn their behavior, our kids may think that we condone or agree with them. I’d like to suggest that isn’t so. Our children watch us all the time, they hear us all the time and they know what our values are. They know what we believe and they know what we think. They are aware of our opinions of their actions even when we withhold comment. By waiting to discuss issues that arise until the time is right, our children don’t think we don’t care. On the contrary, they learn that we care so much that we will treat them and us with dignity to have a real conversation at the right time and not just blow up because we’re frustrated. Parshas Vayishlach reminds us of the value of waiting to speak until we can be heard - responding not for the sake of venting, but for our children's benefit.
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