Toldos - The Importance of Relationship
Here is an astounding insight into parenting straight from Parshas Toldos. Hang in there; it’s incredible! In Parshas Toldos, Yitzchok and Rivka have twins, Eisav and Yaakov. The Torah tells us that while Rivka unconditionally loved Yaakov, Yitzchak loved Eisav because “tzayid b’fiv”, he hunted with his mouth. Rashi explains that Eisav hunted his father with his mouth by appearing to be more righteous than he was. He would ask his father complex halachic questions, posing as someone who actually cared about halacha and doing right, while in reality he was on a whole different life path. The obvious question is; was Eisav so easily able to manipulate his father? Can it be that Yitzchak fell for Eisav’s attempts to mislead him and he didn’t see the truth? The Pletzker Magid, who was a student of the Vilna Gaon, answers this question in a whole new way. The Maggid says that of course Yitzchak knew what was really happening. He knew that Eisav was living a life far from his father’s ideals. However, when Yitzchak saw that Eisav was going to the extent of using manipulation and deception to attempt to connect to his father, he knew the parent’s response had to be “Vaye’ehav”, to love him. If the relationship with his father was so important that Eisav had to lie and manipulate in order to get it, then love and warmth is the only possible response. It’s astounding. The very lies and manipulation that would turn most of us off from loving a child like Eisav is what made Yitzchak determinedly love him even more. Instead of focusing on the disturbing behavior of lies and manipulation, Yitzchak focused on the relationship. He saw the behavior through the lens of relationship and that enabled him to connect to his son. The only hope that Yitzchak had that Eisav would change his ways was through the depth of his love for his father, so by definition the relationship is of primary importance. Our goal in parenting is to create a context of connection, a deeply loving relationship because that is primary. Behavioral change always follows the connection.
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