• October 28, 2021
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Avraham Avinu sent Eliezer to Charan to find a wife for Yitzchak, forbidding him from choosing a wife from Canaan. When Eliezer arrived at the well and Rivka gave him and his camels water he knew he had found the right woman and immediately gave her jewelry, including 2 golden bracelets that weighed 10 gold shekels. Rashi says: ושני צמידים. רֶמֶז לִשְׁנֵי לוּחוֹת מְצֻמָּדוֹת: עשרה זהב משקלם. רֶמֶז לַעֲשֶׂרֶת הַדִּבְּרוֹת שֶׁבָּהֶן: The two bracelets, (tzmidim) represent the 2 tablets that were joined to each other, (metzumados). The 10 gold units represent the Ten Commandments that were engraved upon them. Rashi highlights for us that the word tzmidim, bracelets, is the same word as “metzumados”, inter-dependent or connected. Why does he emphasize this connection? Rav Yosef Zundel of Salant explains that the 2 luchos were dependent on each other because in order to be a complete Jew one has to fulfill all the mitzvos, both the Bein Adam LaMakom that are on the first tablet, and the Bein Adam Lachaveiro that are on the 2nd. Both sides of the luchos, the religious obligations and the interpersonal obligations are mutually dependent - neither one alone creates a complete Jew. A person can’t decide to specialize in one role, either his relationship with God or his relationship with other people, to the exclusion of the other. We need both to be Torah Jews. When Eliezer saw Rivka at the well, he saw her beautiful middos, her interpersonal qualities shone, so he gave her the 2 bracelets weighing 10 shekel hinting to the interdependent luchos to teach her the lesson of Avraham Avinu - yes, chesed is one part of being a Jew, but there is also another part and Avodas Hashem means fulfilling both the mitzvos between man and man and man and Hashem. Through the bracelets, Eliezer began to teach Torah to Rivkah. However there is a glaring question I’d like to ask. If both Bain Adam L’chaveiro and Bain Adam L’makom are equally important, why did Eliezer only test Rivka with chesed? Why was Avraham willing that his son should marry someone from a family and locale of idol worshippers, and only cared about their character refinement or middos? Wasn’t he worried about his son being influenced by a wife who had been steeped in Avodah Zarah? Why wasn’t that a concern? If both Bein Adam LaMakom and Bein Adam Lachaveiro are mutually required, why did Avraham and Eliezer only care about Bein Adam Lachaveiro? The Kli Yakar answers so beautifully.! He teaches that there are 3 partners in a child, 2 parents and Hashem and each component of the partnership contributes something. Parents give a person their physical being along with character, which is how a person relates to his physicality and his natural desires. Does he conquer his baser inclinations and refine himself, or does he give in to his urges and become a debased person? Personal refinement, middos, comes from parents. But Hashem gives the child his soul and intellect, neshama and seichel. Spirituality comes from Hashem, not from parents. Avraham wasn’t worried about Rivka’s family worshipping idols, because Avodah Zara, idol worship, isn’t something that transmits from parent to child, awareness of Hashem can come to someone from any background,(as evidenced by Avraham himself!). But middos? Those come from parents. We see this today so clearly - there are tens of thousands of ba’alei Teshuvah who come from wonderful homes, but without a background in Torah or Emunah, and they’ve embraced Hashem and His Torah. A person doesn’t need Torah educated parents to be a Ben Torah, but in general you do need parents with refined middos to be a person with naturally refined middos. Or in other words, it is a lot easier to learn Torah from the very beginning, then it is for a person to change their attitudes and emotional patterns from what they learned in their parent’s home. It is doable, but as we all know, very, very, very difficult. This explains why Eliezer only looked for middos in Rivka and then taught her about the two luchos with their two components, effectively teaching her about Bein Adam LaMakom as well. He knew that the spiritual side of the interdependent luchos could easily be taught, but it was important that the interpersonal side come from her family and home. It’s a beautiful insight and a sharp reminder to us, about our main goal in raising children. Of course, we also teach our children about Hashem and mitzvos Bein Adam LaMakom, but the absolutely indispensable part of what we do is teaching our children how to relate to other people, how to give to other people, how to be people of refined character and middos tovos. It’s important for us to remember that middos aren’t the responsibility of the school or community, but are a primary part of our parenting role. When we decide what to emphasize in our homes, what to prioritize, Parshas Chayei Sara is calling us to focus on middos, on our characters and our childrens’ characters.