Vayeira - Relationship Trumps
Parshas Vayeira ends with the momentous Akeida – the final challenge for Avraham Avinu when he was told to take his beloved son and offer him up as a sacrifice. The story opens with Hashem calling Avraham by name and Avraham responding “Hineini”. This is different from the first nisayon in last week’s Parshah, which began with Hashem just saying “Lech Lecha” – no name calling first. Here, Hashem starts by establishing a connection with Avraham, addressing him by name before giving instructions. Why? The Ohr HaChaim points out that Hashem calling Avraham by name was to establish or refresh the connection between the two of them before Hashem asked of him the most difficult challenge of all. Hashem came and called “Avraham” to let him know I’m here to ask you a big one, and Avraham answered “Hineini”, I’m ready to do anything you ask of me. A little later in the story when Avraham and Yitzchak are already traveling to Har HaMoria, Yitzchak turns to his father and asks, “Avi?”, “My father?”. Avraham replies, “Hineni v’ni” “I am here, my son”. This exchange sounds somewhat similar to the first one where Hashem and Avraham connect with each other - Avraham? Hineini. Avi? Hineini B’ni. What is going on here? The Kli Yakar fills us in on this second conversation. He says that Yitzchak sensed that his father was planning on bringing him as an Ola (sacrifice) and he worried perhaps Avraham was doing this on his own initiative. Maybe he no longer felt the natural love and mercy that a father feels for his son and that vacuum could enable him to sacrifice him as an act of sadistic cruelty, Heaven forbid. Therefore, Yitzchak called “Avi?” My father? To see if Avraham would respond to that title, to the relationship of a father. He was checking if Avraham’s heart still felt like a father’s or has he moved out of that relationship and shut down his fatherly feelings. When Avraham answered, “Here I am, my son”, he was telling Yitzchak that he still feels all the fatherly love and mercy he ever had, and the conversation finishes with “Hashem yireh lo hase…” Hashem will choose for himself the object of the korban, thus telling Yitzchak that this wasn’t Avraham’s idea, borne out of a lack in the parental relationship, but rather a sacrifice the two of them would jointly make together to their Creator, reflected in “vayeilchu shneihem yachdav”, and the two walked onwards together. They were connected and ready for the ultimate sacrifice. The Ohr HaChaim and the Kli Yakar are teaching us a profound lesson in parenting. Before we can ask anything from our children, particularly before we’re going to ask anything big, we have to make sure they feel close and connected to us. This lesson is at the heart of parenting, as beautifully taught by developmental-psychologist, Gordon Neufeld. We all have a natural instinct to resist being pushed around. The more someone authoritatively commands us to do something the less we want to do it. Think of the most officious person you’ve met in a bureaucratic office who barks at you to sit there or come here. You probably obey, but it's despite your instincts crying out to ignore or argue the official. We don’t like taking orders from anyone, unless… and this is a big unless… unless we are in a close relationship with that person in which case we are overwhelmed with love and their wish becomes our command. The secret of parenting is that when our children feel close to us and are in a right relationship with us, they want to do what we ask of them. They want to follow our lead and make us happy. But when they don’t feel close to us, when they’re angry or feeling distanced, they have a natural urge pushing them to resist us. Practically, that’s why if we want to interrupt our children playing with a call to come inside, it works much better if we first connect with them. We call their name, and wait for eye contact, and then smile at them, wait for them to smile back, and comment about their playing, “You’re having so much fun, aren’t you?” And then we say, “It’s time to clean up and go home now.” By that point our child feels close to us and is ready to obey. That works much better than a mother who suddenly interrupts her child playing with a command, “Get in the car. We’re going now.” This is the profound message we can focus on today. Hashem didn’t just dump on Avraham his most difficult challenge. He connected with him first on an emotional level, by name. And Avraham and Yitzchak also connected deeply and emotionally while on the way to the akeidah which allowed Yitzchak to come alongside Avraham and join him in the mitzvah together. Hashem gave us the tools to parent powerfully and one of the best is tapping into the relationship, connecting in a way that reminds your child of the warmth and love inherent in your relationship, and then we can ask and they can obey. It’s a beautiful way to parent.
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