Vayeira - Don't Mother Like Hagar!
In Parshas Vayeira, after Avraham sent Yishmael and Hagar away, Yishmael was close to death, sick and parched. The Torah says: וַתֵּ֩לֶךְ֩ וַתֵּ֨שֶׁב לָ֜הּ מִנֶּ֗גֶד הַרְחֵק֙ כִּמְטַחֲוֵ֣י קֶ֔שֶׁת כִּ֣י אָֽמְרָ֔ה אַל־אֶרְאֶ֖ה בְּמ֣וֹת הַיָּ֑לֶד וַתֵּ֣שֶׁב מִנֶּ֔גֶד וַתִּשָּׂ֥א אֶת־קֹלָ֖הּ וַתֵּֽבְךְּ׃, “And she threw the child under one of the shrubs, and she went and sat down away from him as far a distance as archers do, for she said, “Let me not look upon the death of the child.” You might notice that unlike Avraham on the way to the Akeida, (who also thought his son would die shortly), Hagar didn’t call him “bni”, my son, and didn’t connect with him or stay with him like “vayelchu shneyhem yachdav.” Instead of “my son” she called him “hayeled”, the boy, as if he bore no relationship to her. Then she didn’t sit near him or stay with him, she distanced herself. What a contrast to Avraham! Rav Shamshon Refael Hirsch says a Jewish mother would never behave this selfishly saying, “I can’t bear to see my child suffer so I’ll spare myself by going away and let him suffer alone”. Hagar should have overcome her own pain and personal anguish and gone to be with him, to soothe him with her presence and whatever she could do for him. Her grief led her to behave in a way antithetical to the teachings of Avraham. How did Yishmael’s salvation come? What did the malach say to her? Firstly, כִּֽי־שָׁמַ֧ע אֱלֹהִ֛ים אֶל־ק֥וֹל הַנַּ֖עַר בַּאֲשֶׁ֥ר הוּא־שָֽׁם “Hashem has heard the voice of the lad” - not yours, because you were crying without making any effort to help him. Secondly, ק֚וּמִי שְׂאִ֣י אֶת־הַנַּ֔עַר וְהַחֲזִ֥יקִי אֶת־יָדֵ֖ךְ בּ֑וֹ “Arise, pick up the lad, and strengthen your hand on him…” Rav Hirsch says this was a call to Hagar to get a grip on herself and behave like a mother - go to him, pick him up, be a firm support to him, because Hashem has planned a great future for him. We don’t want to be like Hagar. We want to be there with our children and for our children in all ways, big and small. This message to me is an opportunity to contemplate how I may be behaving selfishly as a parent. Hashem should help that none of us be faced with the terrible scenario Hagar faced, but we can take this message and apply it in everyday life. Sometimes we know when we’re faced with a challenge and have to push ourselves selflessly to do what our child needs, and sometimes it is so subtle we don’t even realize it. When I give in to my child’s whining or let him stay up after repeatedly getting out of bed, I’m not acting selflessly for his good, (even though he may be thrilled!), I’m being selfish, wanting a bit of quiet for myself so I give in to avoid whining even when its not good for him. The Torah call to parents is to stretch within ourselves for that extra measure of inner strength to engage with our children, be there for them, in ways that are truly what they need, and not, Heaven forbid, like Hagar, who sacrificed her child’s comfort for her own. Conversation Point: How has motherhood called on you to be selfless?
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